What a startling question that was! Of course, I understood it was meant to be startling, provocative, essentially evocative; it was the first question my psychoanalyst asked me.
I was glad to be entering this process; it was part of my training as a therapist and counselor, and the analyst sitting across from me was still just interning herself. I knew she'd been told to start with this question, once I heard it, still, I have to admit, it's a good one.
For myself, I prefer to ask "what do you think about yourself?" That question is not front-loaded with approval or disapproval, but perhaps it was a mark of the times that psychoanalysis leapt to the assumption that whatever was going on in a personality, it surely had a great deal to do with working for the approval of one's authority figures and how that would factor in self-approval or self-loathing.
Still, I was happy to enter into analysis; it was not required, but as long as we were accepting of the fact that our analyst would be only an analyst-in-training, there was a lot of value in undergoing the process, and it was free. And I was fortunate, because my student-analyst was pretty, in a way I could recognize but to which I was not particularly attracted, and she was very, very smart. That would certainly help these hours pass pleasantly. And she was a bit younger than me; I'm not sure why that pleased me, but it did.
I considered her question; my first thought was to realize that she would be noting the time on her watch, or the clock on the wall, and that my response time would be considered in a factor-analysis way. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, "of course I like myself!"; but I took a second to consider why I liked myself, what I liked about myself. After about half-a-minute, I replied "Yes. I do like myself."
My second thought noted how different analysis is to the more immediate, problem or conflict mediation type of therapy I was trained in; this wasn't "tell me about what's bothering you" or "what brings you to me today?" This was not about situations or events, this was about me. This was about "what is at the core of you?" The analyst opened with a leading question, and then sat back to see what came up. Who knew? This wasn't about problem resolution, this was about self-discovery. This was about describing my self-view, and world-view, to someone outside of all my other associations, and I had the opportunity to see if I could benefit from their perspective, and they could learn about another person's perspective, and see if they could effectively get into another's world, and maybe provide a different view, maybe bring their thought-tools to bear on whatever might come up.
There's a lot more to mine from that experience, but for now, I suppose I'll just note that, ever since that first session, her first question is one I pose to myself from time to time.
"Do I like myself?"
Yeah, pretty much.
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I've always wondered what would happen if you answered a question like that with "I like myself a lot, but you...well, I don't like you much at all".
ReplyDeleteI suspect the analyst wouldn't be able to set aside the fact you dislike them and it would color how they saw you. In the end, you'd get a different conclusion than if the analyst felt you liked and respected them.
Since the analyst's viewpoint can be slanted by their own self image (which you just effected), aren't your own opinions effecting how well the analyst performs?
Just something I've wondered.
Actually, there's a protocol for that; it starts with "well, we've just met; on what basis do know you don't like me?" The next protocol involves transference; "you don't even know me but you've decided you dislike me; that suggests that you're transferring some dislike for a known individual onto me. Who is this person? Why do you dislike them?"
ReplyDeleteAnd, ultimately, a really GOOD therapist would ask you "do you dislike me so much that I should refer you to another therapist? After all, my job is to help you; if you just really don't like me, how can I do that?"
Of course, that's speaking for human-centric therapists...analysts are a bit like surgeons, and often have pretty big egos.
I think what you're saying is an analyst would first try to protect themselves by discounting what you said (you don't know me...etc). By refusing to believe it they can keep their opinion of themselves intact. Finally, if that doesn't work they send you away. Let another analyst deal with you.
ReplyDeleteI've often felt the advice from an analyst says a lot about the analyst but maybe not so much about you. That's similar to any advice you get. Hopefully the analyst has better judgement than your average person.
I think you're confusing analysis with getting advice from a counselor; an analyst wouldn't be interested in defending himself, he'd try to turn the conversation back to you. You came to him, not the other way around.
ReplyDeleteAs a rule, an analyst wouldn't be giving advice; neither should a good therapist. Giving advice is for Dear Abby.
Interesting an analyst doesn't actually give advice. I'm confused now how they help you. I was under the impression (obviously wrong) that an analyst led you through discussions which would give him insight to your problems. Once he had some idea of the underlying issues he'd offer you some advice (or methods) to help. Not sure how I got that impression though.
ReplyDeleteWell, analysis is all about self-exploration. It's not so much about him gaining insight into you as it is you gaining insight into yourself. The degree of direction and proscription from the analyst is the hallmark of the different schools of psychoanalytic thought, and the genesis of the classic joke "How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?" "Only one, but the light bulb itself must truly desire change!"
ReplyDeleteUltimately, analysis is not a particularly helpful process for very dysfunctional individuals, or people disinclined towards deep introspection. The fundamental understanding is the that client, upon discovering for himself his underlying or repressed issues, will himself be able to determine ways to relieve them-this is where an analyst might actually make some suggestions, but even that is hotly debated in the community.
As far as the value-for-cost aspect, I'm pretty disgusted. Analysts get big bucks, and it seems to me they often engage clients who would be better served by a more direct therapy. That's my big bitch with analysis.
I've gotten more out of my friendship with Mr M than I have some 8 years of therapy.
ReplyDeleteI wish I didn't have so many "things," though. Regrets, phobias, hang-ups, musts, shoulds, etc.
Maybe one day....
thanks for weighing in, Bet. You've put your finger right on the reason that good therapists avoid advice-most people have been inundated with musts, should, you-oughta's and the like. What most thoughtful people need is just someone who's willing to LISTEN, just that.
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